Thursday, June 10, 2010

I feel the need to explain.

Ahhhhh. This feels good. Staring at this blogger compose screen. Typing. I haven't been here in what seems like years. I haven't even visited our blog for fear that I would see that all our fans have left.

See I am trying to find a balance. Trying and failing. We have lived here in the great state of Montana for 8 months and I am still adjusting. My girls are still adjusting. We have had so much change that I just can't seem to get it together.

I used to find refuge in my blog and now I just can't seem to find the time to sit in front of a computer for any length of time. It makes me sad that I haven't been able to blog or read any of the blogs I follow so I feel the need to explain.

When we moved here we thought we would be okay for a while financially. We had a plan. The Hubs' job required him to travel but all would be well. I started helping a family member clean houses just for some extra cash. I wanted to contribute plus it helped out my family member. Soon after we were here my husbands job went through a slow spell and he and I HAD to work. He found another job that he hated and I started cleaning more houses. It got us through and now his other job is picking up and he was able to quit his not so great job. I however am still cleaning houses.

I have not been able to admit this until now. See I am not above cleaning a toilet or mopping a floor. I just feel like a failure. I have a bachelor's degree and I scrub toilets. It is frustrating to me and I feel ashamed. I am not supposed to work everyday but have been the last few weeks for one reason or another, hence the lack of blog posts. I am feeling the sting of not being with my girls. As of right now I have not had to put them in daycare - which I am so thankful for. Either the hubs or friends take them.

I have so many emotions running through my head and no outlet for them. I am going to try to blog more but I make no promises. When I am home I feel so scattered trying to get everything done. I feel as though sitting at the computer is just not an option. We are not even done unpacking. My girls miss me. Laundry is piling up. Housework to be done. The Hubs and I barely see each other. It just stinks.

I miss my life. My quiet little life in the Land of Nowhere. I feel as though I had my perfect and now it is gone. Perhaps I took it for granted and it was taken from me. Like I am being punished for not appreciating it more. For not being more thankful.

I worry about what people think about me, about being judged. I worry about what my girls think. It stings when I hear the Bug say to people, "my mom cleans houses". Or when I kiss the Bear goodbye and she says, "you go clean, Mommy?" Makes me sick to my stomach. I always thought that if I worked while my kids were young that it would be for something that would make them proud. That they could say "My mom was a rock star!" Not, "My mom scrubbed toilets."

Well I just had to get this out there. So you know- when you stop by and see that there are no posts that I am busy but still thinking about you and the blog world.

This too shall pass. I just have to find my new normal. I will. I have too.


Lisa Anne said...

Just remember what hurts us, only makes us stronger. In this economy there is nothing wrong with you cleaning houses, even if you have a degree. I believe we should all be thankful to have the little jobs that we have. I know it's hard and all but it will pass and things will pick up. I tend to think the glass is half full. Remember it could be a lot worse.

heather said...

Amy. How is there ANY shame in doing what you need to do to support your family? My mom cleaned houses when I was growing up. She also did daycare. She sold crafts. She did any random little thing she could find to do that would help bring in some money. It just makes me respect her all the more. She did those things for me and for my brothers. By example she taught us to work, and to do what needs to be done.
It's a pretty crappy economy & the maybe more glamorous jobs are hard to come by. Hang in there. And don't be so hard on yourself.

Amy said...

Hello Amy..

It is great to hear from you.. It does take time to get it all worked out.. You are doing great. I will always be a fan.. Keep on going hugs.. Round Robin is tomorrow if you want to stop by or join in.

Amo said...

I can relate to your situation soooo much. And I understand your shame. I also have to work in order to help out with bills because my husband's job hasn't "taken off" yet. I was supposed to be a stay-at-home mom and I can't be all the time. I have TWO bachelor's degrees and yet I am a receptionist at a hair salon - a job that 18 yr olds can do and I am 35. But, I can't get a full-time job because I would have no one to care for my son. And I am pregnant with our second son, due in September. It sucks and my husband and I rarely see each other. He works a second job making pizzas at night to supplement our income, too. This economy is rough. I will keep you in my thoughts and know that you are not alone. We all do whatever we can to take care of our families. I always thought that if I worked, it would also be doing something that made my kids proud of me. So, I understand your feelings. I have thought the EXACT SAME THING many times. And I just keep thinking that this too will pass. Take care of yourself and don't worry about the blogging world. It will always be here.

Kitty Moore said...

I am in awe of you - you are doing what you need to do to support your family which makes you an incredible human being. Hang on in there lovely lady.

Leave It To Davis said...

I just happened upon your blog this morning by pressing "next blog". I am so glad I did. I am 54, the mother of a 16 year old son, 19 year old son, and 35 year old daughter. I have two beautiful granddaughters that I help take care of when I am not working at the hospital here imaging documents. I keep them so my daughter can work part time so she can be with her girls. I could be making more money working in a quality assurance postition, but helping her seemed more important. I have worked at a laundry where the temprature was over 100 inside in the winter with women that had more stamina than you can ever imagine. I have worked at the school cafeteria with women working for minimum wage so they could be home with their kids after school. The women that I worked with at these jobs gave more of themselves to their jobs and their co-workers than any of the educated idiots that run the department that I work in now. They had character. The cafeteria women would give out of their own purses when a student didn't have money for a lunch, and these women could barely pay for their own needs. NO job is demeaning. If you are working, be proud. You are making a difference in someone's are teaching your children that hard work pays are teaching them to have compassion towards someone with a less-than-desirable job. When I was hired at the hospital ten years ago, the manager of the department aske what was my last job. I told her I worked in the school cafeteria mopping, washing dishes (by hand), and cooking. She smiled, took my hand, and said, "You have the mom worked in the school cafeteria, and I know what hard work that is."

JennyMac said...

Hang in there..Remember, you are fabulous. Take the breaks you need.

Erin said...

First of all, your girls will never see you as a "toilet cleaner" they will see you as Mommy, their hero, a mommy who had to courage to do what it takes to make things work. Keep your head high, show them that it's not shameful to do what you need to do! Second, when I have to go to work, my thought, no matter what I am doing....I am working for my children. My boss = my boys! They are what keeps me from quitting, DAILY!

Keep your chin up are doing an amazing job, and it's inspiring. And no matter how long you make be gone, I'll still be here when you get back! =)

Stacey said...

I have been away for so very long and I see that you wrote this months ago and really nothing since. I hope that things are better and you are feeling better about your situation. Someone sent this to me the other day. Sending you positive vibes:

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

- Author unknown

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Oh yeah.........

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