See I am trying to find a balance. Trying and failing. We have lived here in the great state of Montana for 8 months and I am still adjusting. My girls are still adjusting. We have had so much change that I just can't seem to get it together.
I used to find refuge in my blog and now I just can't seem to find the time to sit in front of a computer for any length of time. It makes me sad that I haven't been able to blog or read any of the blogs I follow so I feel the need to explain.
When we moved here we thought we would be okay for a while financially. We had a plan. The Hubs' job required him to travel but all would be well. I started helping a family member clean houses just for some extra cash. I wanted to contribute plus it helped out my family member. Soon after we were here my husbands job went through a slow spell and he and I HAD to work. He found another job that he hated and I started cleaning more houses. It got us through and now his other job is picking up and he was able to quit his not so great job. I however am still cleaning houses.
I have not been able to admit this until now. See I am not above cleaning a toilet or mopping a floor. I just feel like a failure. I have a bachelor's degree and I scrub toilets. It is frustrating to me and I feel ashamed. I am not supposed to work everyday but have been the last few weeks for one reason or another, hence the lack of blog posts. I am feeling the sting of not being with my girls. As of right now I have not had to put them in daycare - which I am so thankful for. Either the hubs or friends take them.
I have so many emotions running through my head and no outlet for them. I am going to try to blog more but I make no promises. When I am home I feel so scattered trying to get everything done. I feel as though sitting at the computer is just not an option. We are not even done unpacking. My girls miss me. Laundry is piling up. Housework to be done. The Hubs and I barely see each other. It just stinks.
I miss my life. My quiet little life in the Land of Nowhere. I feel as though I had my perfect and now it is gone. Perhaps I took it for granted and it was taken from me. Like I am being punished for not appreciating it more. For not being more thankful.
I worry about what people think about me, about being judged. I worry about what my girls think. It stings when I hear the Bug say to people, "my mom cleans houses". Or when I kiss the Bear goodbye and she says, "you go clean, Mommy?" Makes me sick to my stomach. I always thought that if I worked while my kids were young that it would be for something that would make them proud. That they could say "My mom was a rock star!" Not, "My mom scrubbed toilets."
Well I just had to get this out there. So you know- when you stop by and see that there are no posts that I am busy but still thinking about you and the blog world.
This too shall pass. I just have to find my new normal. I will. I have too.