Cheesy-Sexy

Dear Lady with the ridiculously fake tan,

Please look in a mirror and realize the "I just rolled in cheetos" look is out. I know, I know....you're one "sexy grandma" and want everyone to recognize. However, that color is neither good nor natural at ANY age. Also, I'm just going to believe that it was all just a bad experiment gone wrong at home with some self-tanner, because I most certainly don't want to believe that some poor girl at a tanning salon had to spray your naked ass. Now go get some lemons and scrub that crap off!

Sincerely,

Me

P.S. You may want to re-think those low rider jeans as well. The thong sticking out of the top is also not a good look at any age. However, it is particularly traumatizing to see it on some one who is of a "certain age" AND who is orange to boot.

Exhibit A In the case of... Lady Di vs. The Land Line

So, I ran an errand earlier today. As I grabbed my purse on my way out the door I noticed that it seemed a bit heavier than usual, but continued on my way. Then as I'm driving I start to have cell phone anxiety. You know, it's like the feeling you get when you can't remember if you turned the curling iron off or not. You think you did but you didn't make a mental note of it so now you're not sure if your house is going to burn down thanks to the plugged in curling iron. Forgetting my cell phone is the same thing. I could carry that damn thing around all day and no one would call, but the one time I do forget it will be the time my kid falls and breaks his arm or something....I just know it!

So, (while I'm driving mind you) I begin to fumble around the side pockets of the purse. That's where I usually put the damn thing and I can't feel it. Therefore, I try the inside next. However, my purse is one of those "black hole" purses that seem to go on forever on the inside. Think Mary Poppins....pulling everything out but the kitchen sink. I'm trying to concentrate on driving, my hand feels nothing that resembles my cell phone so I decide to give up and look more thoroughly when I'm parked.

Okay, so there I was in the parking lot with my purse, ready to find that mother effing cell phone. I just have to find that thing, even though I will be done with my errand and back home in 15 minutes. Well, I found a phone all right AND the reason my purse was so heavy. I pulled out my lame cordless land line phone. Do people still even use land lines anymore? Apparently this chick does. Then because she is a dork, she tucks it into her purse due to what I am going to call... cell phone/land line confusion. So, this just pleads the case that I have been trying to make to my husband all along. We should cancel the land line and just use our cells. I mean really? Who uses those land lines anyway besides telemarketers? The fact that I don't want to be pulling out my cordless phone while I'm checking out at Safeway has absolutely NOTHING to do with it!!!

To Keep Or Not To Keep?...that was the question

So a while back my husband asked, "What is this seventeen-something that is being charged every month to the bank account?" At first, I had no idea as to what he was talking about. Then my over active imagination took hold as I started to think some middle-aged hacker that still lives at home with his mom had hacked my bank account. However, no, it was the weight watchers online subscription that someone (who shall not disclose herself) started like, oh I don't know.....let's just say a little while ago.

It's not that I completely forgot about my subscription per say. It was something I decided to do in a moment of extreme motivation that just quickly deflated. So a million excuses later there I sat with a blank look on my face with my husband asking, "What is this seventeen-something that is being charged every month to the bank account?" A contemplative look replaced the blank look when he asked, "Well, do you want to keep this and do it or not?" Hmmm....

Well, I decided that I had no more excuses and kept the subscription. So here I am eating cantaloupe while my son eats a snack size McFlurry ( I owed it to him because of the torture he endured while waiting for me to get my hair done). This is also my second week of attending daily classes at the gym. I haven't done a "weigh in" yet, I'm saving that lovely moment for Friday. So, I guess it's official. Operation Muffin Top has commenced.