How To Read A Book In One Day

There are many wonderful ways I can think of to be able to read a book in one day ........




1) In a hammock on the beach with a "mommy" lemonade nearby,



2) In my cozy bed on a rainy Sunday with a chai tea on my bedside table,



3) At home ALONE sitting on the couch with my favorite blankie (yes, I have a blankie),



4) On a blanket spread on the grass on a beautiful Spring day while my children play cooperatively with one another in peace and harmony (ok, now I'm just smoking crack, but you get the idea)




These are what I would consider NOT ideal ways in which to read a book in one day.....




1) Sitting in a not so ergonomical plastic chair,



2) Having a lady who talks obnoxiously on her cell to her bff about her female problems on one side,



3) A man who constantly makes a noise that sounds a lot like he's beginning to hock a loogie on the other.





4) All of the above at one time

Gotta LOVE jury duty

Cheesy-Sexy

Dear Lady with the ridiculously fake tan,

Please look in a mirror and realize the "I just rolled in cheetos" look is out. I know, I know....you're one "sexy grandma" and want everyone to recognize. However, that color is neither good nor natural at ANY age. Also, I'm just going to believe that it was all just a bad experiment gone wrong at home with some self-tanner, because I most certainly don't want to believe that some poor girl at a tanning salon had to spray your naked ass. Now go get some lemons and scrub that crap off!

Sincerely,

Me

P.S. You may want to re-think those low rider jeans as well. The thong sticking out of the top is also not a good look at any age. However, it is particularly traumatizing to see it on some one who is of a "certain age" AND who is orange to boot.

Exhibit A In the case of... Lady Di vs. The Land Line

So, I ran an errand earlier today. As I grabbed my purse on my way out the door I noticed that it seemed a bit heavier than usual, but continued on my way. Then as I'm driving I start to have cell phone anxiety. You know, it's like the feeling you get when you can't remember if you turned the curling iron off or not. You think you did but you didn't make a mental note of it so now you're not sure if your house is going to burn down thanks to the plugged in curling iron. Forgetting my cell phone is the same thing. I could carry that damn thing around all day and no one would call, but the one time I do forget it will be the time my kid falls and breaks his arm or something....I just know it!

So, (while I'm driving mind you) I begin to fumble around the side pockets of the purse. That's where I usually put the damn thing and I can't feel it. Therefore, I try the inside next. However, my purse is one of those "black hole" purses that seem to go on forever on the inside. Think Mary Poppins....pulling everything out but the kitchen sink. I'm trying to concentrate on driving, my hand feels nothing that resembles my cell phone so I decide to give up and look more thoroughly when I'm parked.

Okay, so there I was in the parking lot with my purse, ready to find that mother effing cell phone. I just have to find that thing, even though I will be done with my errand and back home in 15 minutes. Well, I found a phone all right AND the reason my purse was so heavy. I pulled out my lame cordless land line phone. Do people still even use land lines anymore? Apparently this chick does. Then because she is a dork, she tucks it into her purse due to what I am going to call... cell phone/land line confusion. So, this just pleads the case that I have been trying to make to my husband all along. We should cancel the land line and just use our cells. I mean really? Who uses those land lines anyway besides telemarketers? The fact that I don't want to be pulling out my cordless phone while I'm checking out at Safeway has absolutely NOTHING to do with it!!!

To Keep Or Not To Keep?...that was the question

So a while back my husband asked, "What is this seventeen-something that is being charged every month to the bank account?" At first, I had no idea as to what he was talking about. Then my over active imagination took hold as I started to think some middle-aged hacker that still lives at home with his mom had hacked my bank account. However, no, it was the weight watchers online subscription that someone (who shall not disclose herself) started like, oh I don't know.....let's just say a little while ago.

It's not that I completely forgot about my subscription per say. It was something I decided to do in a moment of extreme motivation that just quickly deflated. So a million excuses later there I sat with a blank look on my face with my husband asking, "What is this seventeen-something that is being charged every month to the bank account?" A contemplative look replaced the blank look when he asked, "Well, do you want to keep this and do it or not?" Hmmm....

Well, I decided that I had no more excuses and kept the subscription. So here I am eating cantaloupe while my son eats a snack size McFlurry ( I owed it to him because of the torture he endured while waiting for me to get my hair done). This is also my second week of attending daily classes at the gym. I haven't done a "weigh in" yet, I'm saving that lovely moment for Friday. So, I guess it's official. Operation Muffin Top has commenced.

My Summer Resolution

So, it's been a while since I last blogged......a LONG, LONG while. It's been a crazy year. So much has happened since the last time I wrote. I've had kid issues, marriage issues, work issues, you name it issues. Things are usually a little hectic around here but I've always been able to stay afloat despite the occasional curve ball life can throw. However, I've been completely overwhelmed for quite sometime now.

My writing style in the past has been a sort of a light hearted, sarcastic take on my life as a mom, sharing silly stories about my kids. I'm afraid my writing style may be a little more "heavy" these days. Don't get me wrong, my kids (especially my son) are still good for some crazy stories and I will be sure to share. I just don't take things in stride like I used to. I think it's this stage of life I am in. I'm in my thirties and as I reflect on my life so far I get disappointed, because when I was a young pup I thought for some stupid reason that when you get to your thirties you have it all figured out. Basically, I thought I would have my shit together by now....and I so clearly DO NOT.

It's not that my life is so terrible, it's just not exactly the best it could be (if that makes sense). So, rather than feeling sorry for myself I've decided to take action. I have devised a master plan that will begin this summer. I call it my master plan because it's made up of various small personal goals that will (hopefully) help make some good changes in my life. I like to think of it as a summer resolution. Why wait for New Years?

I've decided to blog about this because for me like many others, writing is therapeutic. So even if no one ever reads this it doesn't matter. I always feel better after writing. So, come along for the ride as I chronicle my ups, my downs, and don't forget those crazy kid stories.